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De Omnibus Dubitandum - Lux Veritas

Wednesday, September 21, 2022

I’ll have a side of fries and wokeness with that burger

With recent “yuge” changes in commercials, Robin Itzler reached out to a leading marketing company and asked if she could sit in on a commercial planning meeting with several of advertising’s best and brightest participating. She taped the meeting to share with American Thinker readers. (This is satire.)

“Good morning. We’re here to create the special 90-second commercial that will run during the October World Series. Now, remember, our burgers are the best tasting thanks to our unique secret family sauce. Plus, we have a 99% satisfaction customer rating. Okay, any ideas for the commercial?”

“Let’s have the restaurant filled with happy customers eating their delicious burgers.”

“Sounds good.”

“An average restaurant can seat 45 people so let’s make sure there are at least 20 Black customers.”

“But Blacks are just above 13% of the population.”

“Doesn’t matter. We don’t want Black Lives Matter protesting.”

“What about focusing on the mouth-watering hamburgers?”

“I think at least 10 people should be Asian.”

Image: Meeting (edited) by freepik.

“No, they should be Hispanic.”

“I need at least one transgender. Will someone trade me a Black, Asian, or Hispanic for a trans?”

“People, let’s focus on the secret sauce recipe that makes the hamburgers taste so delicious!!!”

“It’s no secret that if we have one transgender, we need at least one gay.”

“What about a close-up of a couple of hamburgers?”

“What about a close-up of a couple of gays or lesbians?”

“Here’s an idea. Let’s have a Hispanic gay couple and an Asian lesbian couple.”

“I am still looking for someone to trade a Black, Asian, or Hispanic for a trans.”

“We need at least one non-binary person. Can anyone give up a Black, Hispanic, or Asian for a non-binary?”

“I’ll trade you a Hispanic for a non-binary.”

“Here’s an idea. How about a non-binary Hispanic eating a delicious Burger with his/them Asian lesbian friends?”

“Listen up folks! The burger’s secret sauce recipe goes back to 1865. It was served to Abraham Lincoln the same day the Civil War ended.”

“Wow! I did not know that!”

“Bravo—that is an incredible story!”

“There must be a lot of pride knowing that sauce helped create this multi-million-dollar company.”

“Speaking of pride, does anyone think there should be a pride flag in the restaurant?”

“We should have kids studying trans pride while eating their burgers.”

“Are those kids going to be Black, Hispanic, or Asian?”

“Let’s make them Middle Eastern. Tell wardrobe the girls wear hijabs, and the boys wear yarmulkes.”

The secret sauce! Is anyone focusing on what makes these burgers taste so good?”

“It’s no secret we need to run this by Al Sharpton to get his blessing. We don’t want people outside the restaurant screaming, ‘No justice! No burger!’”

“Is anyone listening to me!!! This is a burger commercial! Our sauce is from a plant native to the Midwest so …”

“Oh my God! We forgot Native Americans!”

“Take one of the Jewish kids. Tell wardrobe to change the yarmulke to a headdress.”

“….Uh, we still have just one more customer role to fill.”

“People, we didn’t even mention our 99% customer satisfaction!”

“I’m satisfied we covered everyone.”

“Let me check my notes.”

“I think we’re fine.”

“What about one White male?”

“Let’s have the White guy holding a Bible and an assault rifle while wearing a Duck Dynasty T-shirt.”

“Don’t you think we should focus more on the burgers rather than the diversity of customers?”

“We have no choice. Have you seen all the other commercials?”

“There’s hardly any White people in commercials anymore. If we don’t do the same, they will call us racist.”

“Exactly who will call us racist?”

“They will call us racist. T-H-E-Y.”

“Our commercial will win an award for diversity!”

“Especially if we film this on Martha’s Vineyard.”

“I give up! After the camera pans around the room highlighting customer diversity, this leaves us with only three seconds to devote to those mouth-watering burgers.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Me, too.”

“Will anyone even know this commercial is about our burgers?”

“This could be an award-winning commercial.”

“Just make sure you run the script by our Diversity, Inclusion, Equity & Safe Spaces Department.”

Robin Itzler is a regular contributor to American Thinker. She can be reached at

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