Juneteenth – Build Pander Back Better (satire)

By Robin M. Itzler

Editor's Note: Robin's publishes a weekly newsletter Patriot Neighbors. If you wish to get the full edition, E-mail her at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com to get on her list, it's free. RK

In what was yet another apparent pander to black Americans, in 2021 President Joe Biden declared June 19th a federal holiday following the George Floyd Riots. The day celebrates when the last American slaves learned of their freedom. After signing the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act into law, it is rumored that Biden asked his chief of staff, “Will this make blacks like me?”

With 2024 being an election year the White House wants to make the most of its pandering. They held a pre-Juneteenth party on June 10, where Biden danced up a storm to exuberantly show his joy for the holiday.

Now Biden is considering adding more federal holidays to the calendar to “Build Pander Back Better.” Some holidays that are under discussion include:

January 4 – World Braille Day: Biden can reach the 66 percent of adults who use some form of vision correction although they never go blind. He would wear a BLM tee shirt as he shouts from the teleprompter, “Blind Lives Matter! Pause.”

February – President’s Day: This is already a federal holiday celebrating two esteemed presidents – George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. But that’s just two of 46!  Biden should insist that each of the other 44 president’s birthdays deserve their own federal holiday. 

February 14 – Valentine’s Day: Think of all the things Biden loves to do: sniff children’s hair, lie about his life, take money from foreign countries, call his wife “doctor,” seek advice from the smartest man he knows, Hunter Biden.

March 17 – Saint Patrick’s Day: Biden can pander to the 31.5 million Americans who claim to be of Irish descent.  Biden can slur his words and speak incoherently, and no one will notice, assuming it was too much green beer.

March 30 – National Take a Walk in the Park Day: Americans can visit local parks to admire all the statues that have been vandalized by Antifa and pro-Hamas thugs including the defaced statue of President George Washington, the father of our country. Perhaps Biden can share how in 1776 he crossed the Delaware with Washington.

April 4 – Tell a Lie Day: Joe Biden does not have to do any prep work for this holiday. He will retell the story of his uncle being eaten by cannibals during World War II.

April 5 – National Deep-Dish Pizza Day: There are nearly 18 million Americans of Italian descent. Biden can talk about the importance of dough in making pizza and the importance of sending dough to Ukraine, so no one learns about his family’s money laundering operations.

May 5 – Cinco de Mayo: Biden can be filmed at a Mexican restaurant saying, “Yo Hispanic! Pausa.” If time permits, he can talk about driving an 18-wheeler while fighting Mexican General Santa Anna at the Alamo.

May 6 – Incontinence Day: If there was any day that Joe Biden would want to recognize, it’s this one. There are about 13 million Americans suffering from some degree of incontinence. That’s a lot of voters completing their ballots between bathroom visits.

June 30 – National Corvette Day: This would be a national observance for any American who has parked their Corvette in the garage near boxes of documents they’ve stolen from their employer.

July 11 – National Pet Photo Day: More than 44 percent of American homes have at least one dog. Biden can hold a special photo ceremony at the White House for all Secret Service agents who have been bitten by one of his German Shepherds.

August 13 – International Left Handers Day: Biden can reach out (with his left hand) to the 10 percent of Americans who are lefties. To avoid confusion, “Dr.” Jill will put a big, blue dot on Joe’s left hand.

September 7 – World Beard Day: Biden can invite trans “women” with beards to the White House. There could be a contest to see which bearded “woman” can best explain what LGBTQQIP2SA++++ stands for. Calvin Klein, which featured a hairy bearded man wearing a bra in an ad, could sponsor the event.

October 31 – Halloween: Without question, this should be a federal holiday to celebrate Americans who masquerade as something they aren’t. For instance, Merrick Garland masquerades as an attorney general who follows the rule of law, Alejandro Mayorkas masquerades as someone who cares about the security of the United States, Kamala Harris masquerades as someone who earned her way up the professional ladder, and Pete Buttigieg masquerades as someone who thinks transportation secretary means building a bike lane.

November 13 – Caregiver Day: According to the National Alliance for Caregiving, 65.7 million Americans were serving as a family caregiver for an ill or disabled relative. Since “Dr.” Jill Biden is viewed by many as First Caregiver, Joe could hold a special ceremony at the Visiting Angels corporate headquarters.

December 18 – International Migrants Day: Any American who has been victimized in a crime by one of the 10 MILLION-PLUS ILLEGAL MIGRANTS that Biden has allowed to waltz unvetted into the United States, can join in the celebration at the southern border. If the American can’t attend because he/she was killed by an illegal migrant, a family member can attend in their place. The event would also be open to Americans who lost their job to an illegal migrant or had their community overtaken by homeless illegal migrant tent cities. Biden can shout (or whisper), “¡Cuanto más major! ¡Votar por Biden! ¡Pausa!” (The more the merrier! Vote for Biden! Pause!)