Nobody Believes This Election Farce

November 11, 2020 By J.B. Shurk

 

I object to the way the Democrats stole this election.  This was just a straight-up smash-and-grab job.  No creativity or panache whatsoever.  Shouldn't the Hollywood Party be capable of putting something together that's a little more...I don't know...believable?  

"So here's the premise.  We're gonna run an Alzheimer's patient who's been repeatedly humiliated by scandal in his party's presidential primaries since 1987, who probably thinks he's still running against Bush and Dukakis, and who can't remember what office he's campaigning for at any given time.  And we're gonna cover his face in a black mask and have him challenge voters to parking lot fistfights." 

"Okay, okay, sounds like a funny gimmick."  

"No, no, it's a drama.  Think King's Speech meets Forrest Gump.  Every time he says something inexplicable, he'll blame it on a childhood lisp...or the Russians.  He'll campaign exclusively from his basement and only then to remind people to be afraid of a Chinese-made virus that's somehow the fault of European white imperialism."  

"You're kidding.  That's it?"

"Oh, and he'll constantly promise to hike gas prices back over four bucks a gallon at the pump."

"So he loses in a rout, then?"

"Oh, no, Americans will find the eighty-year-old so charismatic and hip that he'll receive more votes than any presidential candidate in American history."

"Wait a second — so you're saying that the Republicans will play the 'stupid party' in this script, stumble over their own feet, and lose to a dimwit?" 

"No, all the Republicans will be big winners in the House, Senate, in the state legislatures across the board.  Even their presidential candidate will receive almost ten million more votes than during his previous winning election.  But our guy is just such a compelling candidate that Americans in a handful of battleground states will be drawn to vote for him in numbers never seen before.  It's kinda like the ending to Field of Dreams — you know, "the people will come," and all that, except our guy really won't know whether he's in Iowa or the afterlife.  Oh, and he'll have a coked-out son who's a national security nightmare, in the pockets of the Chinese communists, and forever losing his laptop in strip clubs overseas while in a blacked-out stupor."

"And the son goes to jail?"

"Oh, no, he becomes attorney general.  Really inspiring stuff."..............More