‘Please listen carefully as our menu has changed’ (satire)

September 27, 2024 By Robin M. Itzler @ American Thinker

In the five-plus years since Forbes published an article about the decline in customer service, the situation has worsened. Humans have been replaced with artificial intelligence (AI) bots that have the same empathy as a paper bag. The opening of a Forbes May 2019 article:

Customer service isn’t what it used to be.

Across the United States, there seems to be a steady decline in the customer service levels of nearly every type of business. Companies just aren’t paying enough attention to providing adequate levels of customer service by phone, online or in person. For the American consumer, substandard service has become the new normal.

Most everyone agrees that customer service has gotten much worse. My recent experience highlights what many of us go through when calling a company. Here’s what I had to go through:

Thank you for calling Widget Supplies, where we care about our customers. We also care about our employees, which is why they undergo an extensive 10-day training program called “White People Stink.”

For Spanish, please press 1.

For Arabic, please press 2.

For French, please press 3.

For German, please press 4.

For Dutch, please press 5.

For Swahili, please press 6.

For Russian, please press 7.

For Zulu, please press 8.

For English, please press 9.

Please listen carefully as our menu has changed.

To better serve you, tell us in a few words why you are calling. For instance, “The order I placed six months ago as an overnight shipment has not yet arrived.” Or, “The glass broke because the package was shipped in a manila envelope.”

Our customers are very important to us, and our representatives are busy serving other callers. We appreciate your patience.

If you want to return a shipment, press 1.

If you want to return a shipment and think we owe you a credit, press 2.

If you received the wrong shipment, press 3.

If you received the right shipment at the wrong time, press 4.

If you want to place another order, press 5.

If you want to cancel an order, press 6.

If you want to ask about an order that hasn’t arrived, press 7.

If you want to ask about an order that has arrived, press 8.

To hear this menu again, press 9.

Remember, you can easily contact us by visiting our website at www.WidgetSupplies.com.* Then click on “registering my account.” After printing the three-page form, filling it out, scanning it, and uploading it, click on customer service. Use the drop-down menu to determine the assistance required. Then, indicate in what country this purchase originated. Be sure not to confuse purchases from the United States with those made in the United Arab Emirates. Click okay and follow the five easy prompts. As a reminder, this portal only works with Windows 4.

Otherwise, please stay on the line, and a representative will be with you shortly.

Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. If you would like for us to call you back, please leave your phone number, including the area code and the best time we can contact you. Remember, Pakistan is nine hours ahead of the east coast.

We appreciate your patience while we assist other customers. If you prefer to wait on hold, please enjoy Beethoven’s 4th Symphony during your wait.

(Music)

Thank you again for calling Widget Supplies, where we care about our customers. A representative will be with you soon. Please enjoy Beethoven’s 5th Symphony during your wait.

(Music)

While on hold, take the time to like us on Facebook as you listen to Beethoven’s 6th Symphony.

(Music)

A good review on Yelp is always appreciated as you hear Beethoven’s 7th Symphony.

(Music)

Thank you for your patience. You are next in the queue. Your wait time is an estimated 34 minutes, which will go fast as you hum along to Beethoven’s 8th Symphony.

(Music)

Following your call, please stay on the line for a brief survey about your customer service experience as we play Beethoven’s 9th Symphony.

(Music)

Call is disconnected…

__________________

* As a heads up, because this is a satire, that’s not a real website.

Robin M. Itzler is a regular contributor to American Thinker. She is the founder and editor of Patriot Neighbors, a free weekly national newsletter. Robin can be reached at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com.