The Cultural Foundation and Justification For Civilization: Beer

An e-mail has been floating around dealing with conservatives, liberals and beer.  That e-mail is the basis for this piece. 

By Rich Kozlovich

Historians say humans started out as hunter/gathers.  Small groups of inbred savages that hunted anything edible, and somethings not so edible.  Just think about this.  We have a "delicacy" called "escargot", which are snails loaded with garlic and butter, and chew like a rubber erasure.  Snails mind you!  Come on now, who in the world would ever think to eat a snail unless they had some serious issues with starvation? 

But somewhere along the line someone decided they didn't like all that moving around, and found wheat could be grown, and in sufficient quantities to meet their needs without moving.  Then, they made bread!   Now there are some who may wish to construe bread as the foundation for civilization, but it isn't.  The real miracle that emerged from that was...... beer! 

Apparently someone left an unbaked container of dough outside in the rain, and that started fermentation.  And since they thought eating snails was a good idea, they must have thought, why not drink the liquid from rotting dough?  And since the results were pretty amazing, they decided to continue that process and learned to make beer.  Regularly.  

As it turns out, a lot of people liked drinking the liquid from the rotting dough.  But calling it rotting dough was lousy public relations, so they they needed a name change.  It was decided to call it flavorful decomposition.  Thus, the first successful advertising campaign, and that created demand.  

That was the foundation for civilization.  Why?  Because now since everyone wanted to drink beer, they needed to live close to the beer makers.  That created villages, which morphed into cities.  As for those who didn't live in these new communal settings, they needed a means of transporting barrels of beer to their homestead, ergo, the wheel was created, and now we see what was the true foundations for advanced civilization.  

Beer and the wheel.  

What happened next created a split in humanity which we now call liberals and conservatives.  You see, those who lived outside the cities were still skilled hunters and fishermen.  After bringing home their catches, they would cook over an open fire, which was the beginning of home BBQ's, a true expansion of cultural civilized behavior, while drinking a lot of beer, but that created an issue for conservatives. 

Those who were permanent city dwellers became completely unskilled at hunting and fishing, and became liberals.  They liked the meat and fish the conservatives gathered, so they eventually created government in order to decide how to skim off some of the meat and fish being hunted by the conservatives and make sure it would be "fairly" divided.  They called it paying their fair share.  

 

Why did the conservatives go along with this?  No sharing according to the schemes of liberals, no beer!  Eventually liberals even passed laws that prevented conservatives from making and selling their own beer.

 

Of course all this government oversight became a stress filled arduous task, which created big psychological problems, so they invented group therapy and group hugs.  As centuries passed the tastes of liberals and conservatives continued to diverge.  Liberals only drink imported beer and wine, and happily paid excessive amounts of money for bottled water, ate raw fish, and well done steaks.  

 

Then, after all those centuries of unending self reflection, many liberal men discovered they were actually "women", now having less testosterone than liberal women, or any women for that matter. They were also incapable of defining what is a woman, and actually believe men who claim to be women can get pregnant.   That's why they're symbolized by a jackass.   And all because of beer.