11 Great Reasons To Stay In California

By Rich Kozlovich

I can't remember where I found this, but I want to make it clear, didn't originate it! I wished I had though.  Just like Ole Jeb. Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed, and then one day he was shootin at some food, and up through the ground come a bubblin crude.   Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.  Well the first thing you know ole Jed's a millionaire, The kinfolk said "Jed move away from there"  Said "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly..... Hills, that is, swimmin pools, movie stars. .............And they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin in...............Y'all come back now, y'hear?

1. Zillow estimates your cardboard box house will be worth $3 million in just a few years - Hoooold - HOOOOOLD!!! 
2. If you identify as black you have a decent chance of scoring millions in reparations soon - Pull a Rachel Dolezal and you can be cashing in big time any day now.
3. There are beautiful natural sights like the warm glow of forest fires lighting up the skies - We call them "the golden lights," and they're magnificent.
4. Everyone will be gone soon and then there will be no lines at Disneyland - You'll have to push the button to start up the tea cups yourself, but no more waiting!
5. Everything at CVS is free - Even better than no waiting - no paying for anything!
6. When you pay your massive state tax bill, you get a sense of satisfaction that you're supporting some hobo's fentanyl addiction - No amount of money saved can make up for that feeling.
7. Law-abiding citizens don't have guns, so there is never any crime - It's science.
8. There's great weather outside of fire season, drought season, and deadly mudslide season - There are three days in April without fires, droughts, or mudslides. Enjoy them. 
9. You can ski and surf on the same day, even though you haven't done either in years - But you can be smug in the knowledge that you could if you really wanted to. (But you don't). (But you could). 
10. You can go camping right on the sidewalk - No permit required. 
11. Best of all, the government will make all your decisions for you - This is maybe the best reason to stick around: you won't be burdened with pesky concepts like "liberty" and "personal responsibility." Good ol' Gavin will take care of ya.

Y'all stick around now, y'hear?