Travelin’ with Secretary Pete (A Satire)

By Robin M. Itzler

With summer approaching, one of the busiest travel seasons of the year, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg took time from...well, we still don’t know what he does...to answer your travel questions.

Dear Mr. Secretary,

My wife and I are planning a car trip to show the kids some of our nation’s great history. Any suggestions?

History Buff

Dear Buff,

Consider the “George Floyd ‘Mostly Peaceful’ Riots” tour. You stop in all the cities that were burned, looted, and ransacked during the peaceful 2020 riots. The tour includes excursions into burnt-out mom-and-pop stores that the peaceful rioters destroyed. You can meet small business owners who lost everything they worked decades for, even as they have yet to be fully compensated by the same local governments that are giving freebies to illegal aliens.

Dear Sir/Him/You/Um/He/Him/Hey,

My husband and I are planning a cross-country trip but wonder if we should wait until after the summer when there are fewer crowds.

USA Traveler

Dear Traveler:

Take your trip in early November. Then, you both can vote in every city and state you drive through. Remember the Democrat party slogan:

Re-elect the old goat

Frequently cast your vote!

Dear Mr. Secretary,

I have never been to Washington, DC. What are “must-see” stops?

DC Fan

Dear Fan:

There is so much to see in DC! You’ll want to tour the Internal Revenue Service building, where nearly 90,000 new agents (some armed) are being hired to threaten...er, make certain that every U.S. taxpayer pays every penny of tax owed to Uncle Sam. From there, you’ll want to head over to the Immigration and Naturalization Service to learn how your tax dollars are used to give illegal alien invaders free housing, free medical, free education, free transportation, free clothes, free food, free iPhones, and so much more!

Please note that if you are a Republican and tour the U.S. Congress, you are likely to be arrested in the future.

Dear Sir/Him/Hmx,

I am planning a road trip this summer. Should I drive my electric vehicle?

Roadie

Dear Roadie,

To help the environment, you should definitely take your trip in your EV! Some helpful suggestions to make your trip more fun:

• Allocate several hours each day to charge your car.
• Hire someone along your route to reserve a charging station for you.
• Avoid routes that have heavy traffic, as that could dramatically alter your car’s charging allowance.
• Don’t get caught in any rainstorm, as water could severely damage your electric vehicle.
• Stay at hotels with charging stations.
• Know where there are other charging stations in case your hotel’s charging stations are occupied.
• Have a large credit card limit in case your EV’s battery dies and needs to be replaced.

Have a fun trip!

Dear Mr. Secretary,

Since you are a parent of twins, do you suggest taking children on vacation? My son recently turned 37. However, since he can’t find a job with his master’s degree in “Psychedelic Poetry During the Roman Empire,” he still lives at home.

Mommy

Dear Mommy,

Take your son! I am not sure why he is having difficulty finding work. Certainly, with that degree, he should be able to find a high-paying government job.

Dear Sir,

My husband and I are planning an international trip this summer and need to get passports for our three kids. But...Frank is androgynous, so he sometimes thinks he’s a girl. Rita/Ralph is bi-gender and changes sex daily, usually after watching The View. Mary is genderfluid but could go back to being Mark. Will this be a problem in our travels?

Happy Mom

Dear Happy Mom,

You have a delightful family! If there are any problems in your travels, visit the U.S. embassy, which has a full staff that understands the challenges that come with 132 different genders. One suggestion, though: If you are traveling to any Muslim country, avoid roofs.

Dear Secretary Pete,

Where do you suggest for international travel to meet other Americans?

Passport ready

Dear Passport,

Visit Afghanistan as Joe Biden left behind about 200 Americans following his hasty exit in August 2021. The Biden administration still has no idea how many are being held by the Taliban, but we assume they’re having a wonderful time learning the Koran.

Another stop that has Americans would be Gaza. Following Hamas’ October 7 attack on Israel, where about 1,400 innocent Israelis were killed, injured, or kidnapped, the Biden administration thinks there are about five Americans still being held captive. We assume they are having a grand time learning to speak Arabic.

If you prefer going to Africa, there are more than 1,000 U.S. troops in Niger who are in a hostage-like situation. The military junta-controlled government has told the troops to get out. However, the Biden administration isn’t keen on letting them go home. We’re sure these American soldiers would love to chat with you.

Dear Mr. Secretary,

Is it safe to travel on a Boeing Max plane?

Frequent Flyer

Dear Flyer,

Of course, the Boeing Max is safe! Let’s put it in perspective: When a door falls off a Boeing Max jet in midair, that’s just one piece of the huge plane. The remaining 98% of the plane has not fallen off. Americans should have full confidence flying Boeing Max planes!

Dear Sir Buttigieg:

Do you travel on Boeing Max planes?

Flyin’ Man

Dear Flyin’ Man:

No.

Thank you to Secretary Buttigieg for sharing his transportation insight with us. In our next issue, we will hear from Senator Bernie Sanders, who will share his favorite gulags in communist countries. 

Robin publishes a weekly newsletter Patriot Neighbors. E-mail her at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com to get on her list, it's free.  RK