News and Views: Satire and Reality

By Rich Kozlovich

Every week Powerline does a "Week in Pictures" feature, none of which I can reproduce directly from the article, so I've put together articles dealing with the issues they've presented, which offers opportunities to paraphrase and expand to suit myself.  

Lets start with Hakeem Jeffries who is outraged Trump would be so low as to depict him as a Mexican.... ooops... oh, wait, he wants to qualify that by saying..... there's noting wrong with that.  Eh... well, if there's noting wrong with that why is doing it stooping low?  Is cognitive dissonance pandemic among the Democrat leadership?  So, when Hakeem is in therapy does he think Trump is in the room with him wearing a sombrero?  

Oh, sure, he and his colleagues called Trump Hitler, and conservatives fascists, racists, and have promoted violence at every turn, but c'mon man, wearing a sombrero is going way over the top, and his feelings are hurt.  Imagine that. 

Here's the question that needs to be asked and answered by Americans.  How will the government shutdown impact your life?  

Of course most know there's really no such thing as a government shutdown.  How?  They look at their paychecks, and the taxes are still being taken out, and that money is still being spent.  So, it's clear, the government isn't really shut down, and so, after a bit of reflection they realize some services will end that deserve to end, some agencies may be permanently shut down that need to be shut down,  a lot of government employees may be permanently laid off, and given what these government employees were wasting all that money on, they need to be laid off.  Money that was eliminated by the Republicans the Democrats want restored in order for them to vote to reopen the government, such as:

Over $4.2 million for LGBTQ projects in the Western Balkans and Uganda.
$6 million to subsidize Palestinian media outlets. 
$3 million for circumcision and vasectomies in Zambia. 
More than $833,000 for transgender people in Nepal.
$500,000 to purchase electric buses in Rwanda.
$300,000 to sponsor a pride parade in Lesotho. 

All that along with free health care for illegal aliens, it just might be possible most of them might think those are excellent reasons for supporting a government shutdown lasting until the November midterms. Wadda ya think?  

According to Hillary Clinton, there should be no finger pointing for blame over the shutdown.  Why?  Because we all know it's the Republicans who are responsible.  Right?  Furthermore, Republicans need to stop prosecuting political enemies who really have committed crimes, no one is above the law only applies to innocent conservatives and Republicans.   After all, prosecuting political enemies is the Democrats job, and let's get the term correct.  It's really persecution versus prosecution, since they went after those who've not committed any crimes.  But then Democrats can explain that.  It was done in order to prevent dangerous views being made public, such as exposing leftist lies and corruption.  Not to mention there's real danger in exposing people to those kind of views.  The ones doing the exposing can get shot by mostly peaceful protestors, who just happen to be Democrats. 

There are a lot of strange thoughts occurring in America, such as the NFL is convinced having a halftime show with a transgender featured character will really bring back American conservatives.  Martha's Vinyard, who kicked out their illegal aliens faster than an Olympic athlete runs the hundred yard dash, thinks lots of illegal aliens are good for the rest of America. Leftist fanatics think throwing paint at priceless art works is the answer to global warming, and they think honesty is a weakness.  When told no on thinks honesty is a weakness, they respond by saying .... who gives a crap what they think!  See, honesty!

I really like this comparison.  J.D. Vance is the guy who comes to mow your lawn when you break you leg.  Tim Walz is the guy who reports you to the Home Owners Association.  

While in therapy leftists were asked to write letters about those who wronged them and then throw them into the fire.  That presented a conundrum for leftists because afterward they didn't know what to do with the letters.  

 

I Think, Therefore I Exist!

By Rich Kozlovich 

Every week Power Line has an article called, This Week in Pictures, none of which I can reproduce here, so what I've done on more than one occasion is take what they've offered and create a snarky satirical paraphrased article.   Let's start with Rene Descartes who was a "17th century French philosopher, mathematician, and scientist considered the father of modern philosophy.....famous for the phrase "I think, therefore I am", ergo, the picture,which I found elsewhere, fits.   

 

The UK has decided to cover all paintings and pictures of St George for brandishing a spear in his defense of the innocent against the Dragon, and so, they've decided to charge a young Scottish girl for defending herself and her younger sister against an immigrant molester with an ax and a knife.  Does anyone see a parallel there besides me?    

One young boy was told by his teacher guns kill people.   He asked if that meant his pencil failed his math exam?  So, if guns kill people that must mean pens misspell words, cars drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.  

Does anyone remember which Democrats were outraged at the assassination attempt of Donald Trump and immediately demanded gun control?  Think about this.  It's being claimed if Democrats stopped shooting people gun crime would drop 90%.   And it gets better.  Just imagine being so ignorant and stupid as to march in the streets demanding less crime enforcement with less safer streets and a less safe community, marching with signs saying, "Hands Off Our Criminals", "Keep Criminals Safe", "Illegals Before Residents".  

Oh, wait, there really are people that stupid and ignorant, and they're from a party that believe less Judaic/Christian religion will make people more intelligent and rational.  This is the same party that claims men can get pregnant.  I guess they must also believe roosters lay eggs and bulls supply milk.  Boy, what a shock it would be for them at milking time, and one man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart.  He's rightly outraged, since he's as dumb as he's ever been.   I wonder if he's a Democrat?

What is white privilege?  The ability to face life's challenges and the adversity that comes with life without blaming another ethnic group. 

There was a recent media hoohaw about Mamdani's inability to lift weights, but that's not fair. What we need here is a little clarity.  He's a communist, and a leader, and in the communist world it's not the leaders who do the heavy lifting, it's the proletariat that does that.  See, clarity!

Why is it big business thinks high minimum wages and more regulations is a good thing? Because they can afford them and small businesses can't? 

There's a lot of talk about passing legislation on voter fraud, but I would like for someone to explain to me why that's not a hardship on dead voters. 

Socialism is like a chronic disease that needs regular, rigorous and disciplined medication.  And the minute the medication is eliminated, the infection surges back stronger than ever.  The medication?  Honest education, and it wouldn't hurt if people read a history book once in a while.    

If a hat ever drove people crazy, it's the red hat that says "Make America Great Again".  The Democrats are sick and tried of that and may launch a red hat in protest that says, "Newsome Was Right About Everything".  So, don't wait,  order it now, and all it will take is four to six months to fill the order, but only after paying the 37% hat tax and then waiting for the delivery at the end of California's high speed rail line.  

The Flesh-Eating Screwworm Will Enrich America

Daniel Greenfield @ Sultan Knish Blog 

In a stunning milestone for diversity, the first flesh-eating screwworm infested human entered the United States from either Guatemala, El Salvador or some other downtrodden country.

The widely misunderstood ‘New World Screwworm Fly’ is a mostly peaceful parasite whose females lay eggs in open wounds and their larvae, referred to intolerantly by some as ‘maggots’, then use their sharp mouth hooks to eat their way through the host, while feeding on his tissues in what some DEI experts are calling a pointed critique of rapacious capitalism.

The United States had eradicated the screwworm fly after WWII, reducing the nation’s fabulous diversity of flesh-eating parasites, until open borders with Latin America, where this intriguing fly still coexists with the indigenous population, welcomed its return to our shores.

America’s imperialist boycott of the People’s Republic of Cuba, where screwworm infestations are endemic and there are thousands of cases in animals each year, delayed the inevitable remigration but ongoing travel from countries with Cuban-backed guerrilla movements helped hasten the first triumphant return of the first human infested with screwworms to the U.S.

Several months ago, the USDA had intolerantly blocked cattle imports from Mexico after screwworms were detected in that country, but the screwworm, like so many of the migrants and refugees crossing our border in search of a better life, refused to let our racist policies stop it from living its American Dream by coming to our country and laying eggs inside of us.

Some ‘MAGA’ types and radical right wingers are railing against the prospect of the severe pain, swelling fever and secondary infections caused by the highly sensitive flesh-eating parasite, but their crude stereotyping of this latest migrant to cross our border shows their hateful ignorance.

So many of us have forgotten that our ancestors also came here with a dream to lay eggs inside unwary mammals. They faced intolerance because of their flesh-eating customs until society became more tolerant of their ways. And then they forgot their own struggles to fit in. So it’s our duty to extend our hand (and other available body parts) in welcome to these newest arrivals.

Yes, there are certain risks in taking the screwworm to our bosom and integrating her into our society, but those are the same risks which we took when we opened our doors to the world. But the greater the risk, the greater the reward. The future of America will not come from here, but from out there. And we must not forget that today’s hungry screwworm is tomorrow’s CEO.

There are some who are afraid, but being infected by flesh-eating parasites is the price we pay for diversity. We want to live in cities with dozens of ethnic cuisines and people who mow our lawns for less than the price of a Venti Matcha Latte at Starbucks, but we can’t have that without also accepting the terrorist bombings, machete beheadings and horrifying parasitic infestations.

The best way to deal with the screwworm is not to resist it, but to welcome it into our hearts (or hopefully less vital organs), to learn about its unique traditions and non-judgementally resettle it in vulnerable communities around the country. The screwworm is just the latest immigrant to burrow into the body politics of our nation and once we’ve paid the price, we will be better for it.

Elected officials and experts should be dispatched to reassure (and shame) the public out of any irrational prejudices it may have over being devoured from the inside by invasive freeloaders. PBS should feature documentaries about how well and deeply screwworms are integrating into local communities in communities and states we don’t live and couldn’t be paid to set foot into.

And any acts of intolerance against screwworms must be met with immediate documentaries.

Since the screwworms are used to eating flesh, there may be some initial unpleasantness, but it is nothing that we cannot overcome if we make the conscious choice to sacrifice someone else’s children or livestock on the altar of diversity. Anything else would be a betrayal of our most deeply held values to let our fear for our tender flesh stand in the way of social justice.

Like so many refugees, the screwworms come from a troubled part of the world. They have been the victims of generations of imperialistic programs funded by American taxpayers to eradicate them. Their resentments are understandable. That is why we must stand with the screwworms and for the screwworms (but preferably not too close to the screwworms) so they can live free from fear of persecution in even the reddest state and vote for the Democrats.

With 300 screwworm larvae hatching from one egg, the flesh-eating parasites will soon form an invincible bloc that can turn every state into California in under a year. All we have to do is make sure that hundreds of mail-in ballots are promptly directed to whichever host they have infested.

And we really don’t need to worry. Much.

Screwworm infections in humans are mostly non-fatal (with the exception of a gentleman in Costa Rica last year) because the screwworms are not here to kill us, only feed off us and use us to nurture whole families of flesh eating parasites who will only wipe us out when they reach sufficient numbers to take over America. Until then, we have almost nothing to worry about except the occasional radicalized ‘lone wolf’ screwworms who will prematurely try to eat us.

And there is so much we can learn from the screwworms.

When America eradicated the screwworm (just like it tried to eradicate anyone who was at all ‘different’), we lost a vital part of our ecosystem. Instead of listening to nature, we tried to control it only to discover that Mother Earth always finds a way to overcome our western patriarchal science. Now we have the opportunity to atone for our crimes against the screwworm. This time instead of trying to wipe out the screwworm, we can learn from the screwworm how to live in harmony with the natural world. By embracing ecological diversity, we can find inner peace.

And also get in touch with our inner parasites.

We have much in common with the screwworm. Like us, screwworms love their children and try to find the best possible home for them whether it’s an Ivy League college or a ghastly wound, and they stay there until they exit with a PhD in gender studies twenty years later. Like us, screwworms form a parasitic relationship with the taxpaying host and can’t be stopped from eating him alive through any means short of sharp pliers or government defunding.

Also, like us, the only way to defeat the screwworm is to drop large numbers of sterile males to interfere with their reproductive cycle by telling them that children are bad for the planet.

The arrival of the first human infested by screwworms has reopened debate about the virtue of open borders or border security. Some say that if we had secure borders, we wouldn’t have to worry about cartels or flesh-eating parasites, but such thinking is woefully shortsighted.

The future begins with each of us. We must lower our walls, open our doors and welcome our new neighbours to our shores. And one day, as we pass our neighbour, the screwworm, and the screwworm’s daughter, who runs a government nonprofit for screwworms, and the screwworm’s 300 sons who are all on welfare, we can be proud of ourselves, our ethics and our humanism.

In this way, the flesh-eating parasite will become our friend, the flesh-eating parasite.

Each step forward that we take, each screwworm with a useless degree, each screwworm on TV and each screwworm in the school that our sons and daughters attend is a triumph for our deepest values and ideals. They remind us that our civilization, our cultural heritage and our lives are worth nothing if they are not put at the service of our fellow screwworms.

Today a screwworm applies for refugee status. Tomorrow a screwworm will be President.

Daniel Greenfield is a Shillman Journalism Fellow at the David Horowitz Freedom Center. This article previously appeared at the Center's Front Page Magazine. Click here to subscribe to my articles. And click here to support my work with a donation.  Thank you for reading.

 

 

Snark and Satire: Points to Ponder

By Rich Kozlovich 

Voters around the country said they voted to raise taxes on property owners, not renters, and are outraged their rent went up.  

Americans are left with a nasty choice between the Republicans, who are seriously flawed, and the other side which is completely insane. What could possibly go wrong?   

There’s a lot of talk about OAC’s intelligence.  One cartoon said she would only use lower case letters in her efforts to fight capitalism, and since her TV says “built in antenna” she thinks nothing is being made in America.  

Justine Crockett is outraged Donald Trump didn't know Liberians spoke English.  Didn't he know Liberians are the smartest people in the world surrounding by all those "libery" books? 

Bernie would be more than happy to give you the shirt off someone else’s back.   

If you believe all the things the Democrats are saying it’s like a flock of sheep believing a lion saying he'd become a vegetarian if he's elected to lead the flock.  

What is the traditional response by Democrats to anything conservatives promote?  We're all gonna die.  Tax cuts? We're all gonna die.  Reducing the size of government.  We're all gonna die. Global warming, We're all gonna die. Global cooling.  We're all gonna die. Ending alternative energy.  We're all gonna die. Deporting illegal aliens.  We're all gonna die.  Arresting criminals.  We're all gonna die. See, consistency!

Gavin Newsom is clear that Trump is clueless regarding two things.  Growing marijuana is vital to his state’s economy, and it can’t be sustained without child labor.  He’s also adamant he will not stand silently by as Trump fixes California.  That would destroy “our” democracy.  What do Democrats believe is essential to saving “our” democracy?  Put Trump in prison, rid the nation of MAGA supporters, dump the electoral college, stack the Supreme Court, ban Voter ID, and censor free speech.  Now, who can find anything undemocratic about that?

Everyone seems to be mad at the Democrats these days.  The Iranians are upset as it appears the Democrats told them Trump is a big chicken, and he would back down. 

I think the Muslims in America who are demanding Sharia law should be accommodated.  Send them back to the countries from which they migrated.

If release of the Epstein client list would put a lot of members of Congress in prison, would that be acceptable?  Yes!

What's the goal of the Pravda media?  Convince everyone that the views of 10% of the nation are the views of 80% of the nation.  And you wonder why the Pravda media is dying?

Protestors who want to make Mexico Great Again, while rioting and waving the Mexican flag, here in America, and telling the world how bad America is, are really upset when they’re being deported claiming it’s unfair and their lives are being ruined.

Is Aphorism Another Name For Humor and Snarkiness?

By Rich Kozlovich

I have huge files on everything, and I will occasionally go back to see what I've left forgotten. This has been sitting in my files since 2007, and I have no idea who originated it, but I thought it was worth publishing anyway.  We need a bit of humor, satire, and down right snarkiness occasionally.     

1. It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
2. You are not drunk  if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
3. We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?
4. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
5. A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
6.  Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
7. Learn from your parents mistakes.  Use birth control.
8.  Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
9. Don't drink and drive you might hit a bump and spill something.
10.  If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you. 
11. Reality is only an illusion.
12. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
13. Red meat is not bad for you  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
14. Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
15. Alabama state motto:  At least we're not Mississippi.
16. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs
17. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
18. The latest survey shows three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
19. "You know why a banana is like a politician? He comes in and first he is green,then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."
20.  "I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."
21. The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

I hope you got a chuckle or two out of that, and perhaps a repeatable insight or two.  

Let Me Get This Straight

By Rich Kozlovich

Copying and pasting pictures or cartoons from a site directly into my articles is often times impossible.  So, for years I managed to overcome that by saving them to my pictures file and then I could copy and paste them into whatever article I was working on.  Blogger, which owns all the Blogger blogs, and is part of Google, decided they would no longer permit that unless they could plant cookies in my computer and be given access to any cookies already there.  

Yeah, right, that just ain't gonna happen.  

So, that brings me to Powerline, a news site I follow.   They regularly run a snarky satirical Week in Pictures segment, and there’s some really good stuff there, which I can no longer duplicate, however, here's one of the cartoons I was able to find on line. 

 

So, I’ve put together this paraphrased article of what I consider the best and snarkiest pictures, which I've titled, "Let me get this straight." 

1. Everyone hates white people but everyone wants to move into communities dominated by white people.   
2. Muslims hate pork, beer, dogs, bikinis, and freedom of speech.  So why do they come to America?   
3. The left wants to confiscate guns.  So, how about first taking them from criminals, you know, like a test run?  
4. Rioters are burning the American flag screaming death to America and waving the flag of the country they desperately don’t want to be deported back to.   
5. The left “spontaneously” held "No King" demonstrates in cities all over the nation… and on the same day.   Did I mention spontaneous?  Yet they’re the same people who want bigger government that controls their health care, their pay, their speech, raises their children, controls their land, and their future.   
6. Now that Iran’s nuclear goals are toast that leaves only three Muslim nations with nukes.  Pakistan, France, and the UK.  
7. Before Trump bombed Iran’s nuke facilities CNN claimed that wasn't necessary because Iran wasn’t even close to making a bomb.  After the bombing they claim Iran can make a bomb tomorrow.   
8. Iran says they destroyed 14 bunker bombs with their nuclear facilities, and are calling that a victory.
9. What were the top four reasons why Democrats weren’t informed about the bombing ahead of time.  Alexandria Ocasios-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Ayanna Pressley, and Raship Tlaib.
10. If the current media outlets were in business during WWII they would've insisted Hiroshima’s bombing hardly damaged the city.    
11. Far left actor Mark Ruffalo insists capitalism is failing us, killing us, robbing us of our children’s future.  So, since entirely too many are getting rich making movies, entertainment should be free, for the public good.  No one should profit from it, since that’s exploitation, and besides, entertainment is a human right.  So, let’s create a Department of Entertainment as a single provider with equal pay for actors and postal workers.    
12. What’s the most important quality men should look for in woman?  Double XX chromosomes. 
13. It’s being reported that the number of women afflicted with sexually transmitted diseases is skyrocketing, and racism and misogyny are responsible.

I'm adding two points that weren't in the picture parade, but they fit.  Rosie O'Donnell, who was never known for being trim and slim, now claims her overeating and over drinking is Trump's fault. So, are we to assume she was a slim drug free teetotaler before Trump was elected?  Interesting!  Is that more believable than saying rain isn't wet.  

Then there's Rep. Bowman who says the higher rate of cancer, heart disease, and diabetes in blacks is because of the stress they're under for being called the N word.   Not the stress caused by having a 70% illegitimacy rate, a huge percentage of single parent families, or their indulgence in illegal drugs, selling and using, overall criminal activity, penchant for violence, and bad diet. Noooo, it's name calling.   I'm not sure if that means being called the N word by other blacks or is it just whitey's fault?

Just a Little Satire

By Rich Kozlovich

My friend Robin Itzler publishes a weekly e-mail newsletter called Patriot Neighbors, and she ends the newsletter with a section of humor is the best medicine.  This is a paraphrased version of that effort. 

If there was any doubt higher education in America is a vile snake pit this should dispel those doubts.  Parents are spending $500,000 to send their kids to Ivy League schools to learn how to scream "free Palestine".   And they think they're going to get jobs to run companies effectively, and many desire to run the country some day.  What could possibly go wrong?

Leftist politicos, and their bands of professional protestors never saw a reason not to travel unknown distances to riot, protest, and demand Trump be jailed.  Yet, none of them traveled in the United States to help hurricane victims, didn’t travel to the Middle East to help Americans kidnapped by Hamas, but they traveled to El Salvador to demand the release of a violent MS-13 gang member.  Does anyone besides me think that's a sign of mental illness? 

Then there's Senator Van Hollen who traveled to El Salvador to visit an imprisoned illegal alien who is not only a known criminal, he's a gang member, calling him a Maryland man.  How can an illegal alien be a Maryland man?  He's here illegally, he's not a citizen!   Van Hollen is really disgusted this criminal can’t be home in Maryland with is family.  In order to beat his wife some more?  Did I mention he's a known wife beater?

There's talk Trump wants to re-open Alcatraz to house illegal aliens, many who are known criminals.  Perhaps it would be a really good idea to expand Alcatraz by putting up a wall around San Francisco.

Character counts, and this little bit of sarcastic satire speaks volumes about all leftists.  Bernie Sanders is the kind of guy who comes to a potluck lunch empty handed, complains about what everyone else brought and then asks to take leftovers home.

A little Economic Satire

By Rich Kozlovich

This piece is predicated on an article by Dan Mitchell sent out a few days ago about economic humor.  I don't usually publish his "humor" pieces because all the pictures are too much trouble,  I don't think most of them are all that funny, and ...well... I just don't like them.   But there were some good points in this one which I've worked into this satirical piece below. 

A guy was lined up against the wall to be shot, and he pleaded not to shoot him because he was retarded.   There was a pause and some discussion, and so they asked him to prove it.  He said unrealized capital gains tax is good for the economy.  They decided he must be retarded if he believed that, but that also made him dangerous, so they shot him anyway. 

Here's a multiple choice question.  There are three people listed here and only one of them is champion of labor, which is it?

Bernie Sanders
Karl Marx
Milton Friedman

If you picked Bernie or Karl, you should apply for a visa to Venezuela and enjoy their utopian equality, where everyone but the ruling class is suffering from dystopia, poverty, suffering, misery, disease, and early death.  The left calls that equity. 

Inflation is caused by greedy price gougers, and not by the FED printing trillion of dollars that have no real value behind them.  And we know that's true because Kamala said so. 

Kamala has also called for price controls, and the Democrat party's silence denotes agreement  with price controls.  But there's a history regarding price controls, all disastrous, and a number of leaders who has imposed them.  Hugo Chavez of the United Socialist Party of Venezuela, Stalin of the The Communist Party of the Soviet Union, and Fidel Castro of the Communist Party of Cuba.  What does Kamala and these people all have in common?

Nuf Ced?

‘This is CNN’

Robin M. Itzler @ American Thinker

The mainstream media mangle the truth in their collective effort to push America toward a communist-styled government. Imagine the reporting if today’s one-sided leftist media had been around in April 1865.

The Civil War, with approximately 600,000 casualties, ended on April 9 with a decisive Union victory. On April 15, a war-weary President and Mrs. Lincoln, along with some guests, went to the Ford Theater to see My American Cousin and then…

Announcer: This is Counterfeit News Network. We interrupt our regular programming with a bulletin. We go to our CNN studio in Washington, D.C.

Anderson Blooper: Ladies and gentlemen, we have just learned that President Lincoln was shot. We take you outside Ford Theater, where the Secret Service is holding a news conference.

Secret Service Spokesman: …the hallway leading to the presidential box at Ford Theater was sloped, which is why we didn’t have anyone standing guard outside…

Anderson Blooper: We’ve been informed that the injured president, and we do not yet know how serious his injuries are, was transported across the street to the Petersen boarding house. Let’s first go to Dana Rash inside the theater.

Image made using a YouTube screen grab.

Dana Rash: It’s mayhem as attendees wonder if they should wait for the show to continue or go home. Let me speak to some theatergoers. Sir, can you tell us what happened?

Attendee #1: The show was on, and then, suddenly, there was some activity up in the president’s box. We didn’t know if it was part of the show, but I kind of figured it wasn’t when Mrs. Lincoln started screaming, and there was blood on her dress.

Attendee #2: This guy jumped from the box to the stage and yelled, “Hands up! Don’t shoot!” and then ran off. But he was limping, so maybe he hurt himself in the fall.

Al Sharpton: No show, no peace! If you feel discriminated against because you paid to see My American Cousin and the show was stopped after President Lincoln was shot, please contact me.

Dana Rash: Back to you, Anderson.

Anderson Blooper: Thank you, Dana. The crowd is growing in front of the Petersen boarding house, where we’re awaiting word on President Lincoln’s condition. But first, let’s go to John Queen for an analysis of what this means for the 1868 presidential election.

John Queen: Thank you, Anderson. If President Lincoln survives, this could give him an edge should he decide to seek a third term. However, if he dies, the edge goes to his vice president, Andrew Johnson, who would quickly be sworn in as president.

Anderson Blooper: Good analysis. Thank you, John. It’s been less than 30 minutes since President Lincoln was shot, and we have some polling data to report.

Harry Beaten: We polled 760 likely voters. Seventy-two percent said that if Lincoln survives the shooting, they will probably support him in 1868. Another 19% are Never Lincolns. The remaining 9% are undecided.

Anderson Blooper: We are going back to the Petersen boarding house for an update.

Fake Tapper: The press secretary came out and said that President Lincoln was shot in the left back side of his head, about an inch to the left of the medial line of the skull, and at the level of his ear. She will circle back later with more details. Anderson, it sounds serious, but we are waiting for confirmation.

Anderson Blooper: On the phone, we have former General George McClellan, who was the Democrat party’s nominee in the November 8, 1864, presidential election. Thank you for joining us.

Gen. McClellan: You’re welcome, Anderson.

Anderson Blooper: President Lincoln won the election in an electoral landslide of 212-21 and 55 percent of the popular vote. What are your thoughts as your opponent lies seriously wounded from a gunshot to his brain?

Gen. McClellan: I was born into a middle-class family…

Anderson Blooper: …sorry to interrupt, General, but our Chief International Anchor, Christiane Awomanpour, just sent this wire. It reads: Ukraine needs more money. Do you want to comment?

Gen. McClellan: I was born into a middle-class family…

Anderson Blooper: We are having technical difficulties and will try the general later. The Apprehensible Press (AP) is reporting that the lone gunman was the actor John Wilkes Booth. According to the AP, the military has several good leads and plans to shoot Booth dead before he can be held for trial and share details about what happened. There is a $100,000 bounty on Booth’s head.

In related news, Congresswoman Amanda O. Courtez of New York’s 14th District, which includes parts of Queens and the Bronx, has called for stricter gun laws. She told The New York Herald that the Second Amendment needs to be replaced with a green energy bill. AOC also said that climate change is the reason Lincoln was shot.

Let’s quickly go back to the boarding house.

Fake Tapper: The sorrowful crowd has grown since we last spoke to you, Anderson. They just issued a statement that the shot was fatal and President Lincoln will not survive.

Anderson Blooper: This is heartbreaking news as we seek to reunite the north and south of our nation and rebuild following the devastating Civil War. Let’s go to our panel to discuss the pros and cons of Lincoln being assassinated.

David Wheelrod: The next election is several years away, which gives Andrew Johnson ample time to forge his own post-war agenda.

Rosemary Temple: It will be interesting to hear what Never Lincolns say.

Coyote Blitzer: Once sworn in, President Johnson must get news of the Union victory to the Texas slaves. This will avoid adding a future federal holiday to the calendar.

Car Jones: Is there a conspiracy? Of the people in the Ford Theater tonight watching the play, how many have ever stayed at the Petersen boarding house?

Fareed Irving: Oy vey, this will affect corporations with “Lincoln” in their name.

Stock Jennings: History will show that Republican President Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.

Everyone: Boo!!!

Rich Wallace: I wish I never left Fox News.

Anderson Blooper: Thank you all for your observations. (Removes his eyeglasses, battling to hold his emotions in check, and looks up at the clock). I am going to read a wire service report. President Abraham Lincoln died at 7:22 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.

When we return, we’ll discuss with Secretary of the Navy Gideon Welles what an Andrew Johnson administration might look like. Also, John Queen has another poll following Lincoln’s assassination. Coming soon, a contest guessing how many U.S. cities will be named Lincoln.

Keep it here for all the news and updates. We will take a short break. This is CNN.

Robin M. Itzler is a regular contributor to American Thinker. She is the founder and editor of Patriot Neighbors, a free weekly national newsletter. Robin can be reached at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com.

An Interview With VP Kamala Harris (Satire)

 July 11, 2024 By Robin M. Itzler

To reach different audiences, Vice President Kamala Harris agreed to an interview with Robin Itzler, editor of Patriot Neighbors and frequent American Thinker contributor. (Satire)

Editor's Note:  Cartoon added by me. RK

Me: Thank you for meeting with me today. It must be overwhelming being thrust into the position of possibly being your party’s presidential nominee.

Harris: A new position? As Willie Brown would tell you, I’m quite comfortable with new positions.

Me: There are some Americans who think you were selected as vice president solely because you check two boxes, both as a woman and a person of color.

Harris: Three boxes if you include my Jewish husband.

Me: Is your husband Douglas Emhoff an observant Jew?

Harris: Yes, he observes everything going on around him.

Me: I meant, is he a practicing Jew?

Harris: Of course, he practices! For example, in December, he practices so he doesn’t confuse the Hanukkah menorah with the Kwanzaa kinara.

Me: Your mother is from India, and your father is Jamaican. Do you consider yourself black or biracial?

Harris: It depends on the group I am speaking to.

Me: President Biden must also be a woman of color since he recently said during a radio interview that he is the “first black woman to serve with a black president.”

Harris: Oh, that Joe! (cackling) I am the blacker of us two. (More cackling) In fact, Joe seems a tad orange lately.

Me: Now that President Biden’s mental acuity issues are being discussed publicly, many wonder why you never told the American people about them because, as vice president, you frequently see him.

Harris: (cackling) Most days, President Biden works from 10 AM to 4 PM. I am a night person, so we always miss each other in the employee lounge. Did I mention I am black and a woman?

Me: Yes, you did. There are rumors that you and First Lady Jill Biden do not get along.

Harris: That’s ridiculous! That bi … I mean First Lady Biden and I have a wonderful working relationship. Just last week, she Fed Ex’d me a note suggesting that we partner on having land mines removed at the Ukraine-Russia border. Per her note, I would have the honor of walking first.

Me: Speaking of Ukraine, aren’t you concerned about the billions of dollars the United States has given the country?

Harris: Billions with a “B?”

Me: Yes, Madam Vice President. More than $175 billion since the start of the invasion.

Harris: We have? (cackles) Let me get back to you on that. Did I mention I am black and a woman?

Me: In March 2021, President Biden put you in charge of the southern border, but you’ve never gone there to see for yourself what is happening.

Harris: When the president told me to go to the border, I thought he meant Borders Books. My bad. I mistakenly spent many hours in bookstores.

Me: The American people will not accept that as an excuse.

Harris: The half that supports Joe Biden’s re-election will accept it. Did I mention I am black and a woman?

Me: It appears many traditional Democrat constituencies now support President Trump. This is especially true for black men, although you still have the support of black women. If you became the presidential nominee, would you be able to bring black men back to the Democrat ticket?

Harris: Yes (cackling), of course, I can lure black men to my side. Just ask Willie Brown!  (clears throat) In 2010, when I became California’s attorney general, 29 percent of male inmates were black. When I left after two terms that number had decreased to 28.5 percent. This is according to the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation.

Me: That’s a decrease of just one-half of one percent! As attorney general, you put many black men behind bars for misdemeanors.

Harris: I need to get to a meeting. Did I mention I am black and a woman?

Me: If President Biden were to announce he’s not running for re-election and Democrats support you, what would you tell the American people to instill confidence?

Harris: (cackling … cackling … cackling) I would stand in front of a statue that Black Lives Matters destroyed and tell the American people that they can trust me in the White House. The White House is white. I’ve seen the White House, and I know it’s white. Everyone loves a house that is white. People really love a big house that is white. The White House that is white, has been white for a long time. I would probably be there for a short time.

Me: Thank you, Madam Vice President. Any final thoughts?

Harris: Yes, I am black and a woman.

On a more serious note, the Daily Wire is running a three-part series (total running time: 90 minutes) about Kamala Harris. The series is not behind a paywall, and it’s well worth seeing to understand the woman who is a heartbeat away from the Oval Office.

Robin M. Itzler is a regular contributor to American Thinker. She can be reached at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com

Is There a Doctor Jill in the House? (Satire)

May 26, 2024 By Robin M. Itzler

In the United States, between 40-50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. It’s even higher for second marriages: a whopping 60-70%. American Thinker contributor Robin Itzler recently met with First Lady Jill Biden to learn more about her and Joe and the secrets of their successful long-time marriage. (This is satire, for those who may be unsure.)

ME: You and President Biden have been married since 1977. There’ve been numerous stories about how you met. Some scenarios raise eyebrows and others are heartwarming. Can you take a few minutes to share how you met your future husband?

JILL: Yes.

ME: Go ahead...

JILL: Yes.

ME: Please take your time...

JILL: Yes.

ME: Okay, moving along. Americans have always been intrigued by our First Ladies, especially their tastes in fashion. Can you tell us when you became fascinated by sofa prints?

JILL: For some reason, the best dress designs are on couches.

ME: As our nation’s First Couple, much is done for you. Are there any tasks you continue to do on your own?

JILL: I like doing some things around our Delaware house. For example, when our daughter Ashley comes for a visit, I always make sure the shower is sparkling clean.

ME: Do you think working Americans identify with you and Joe?

JILL: Lunch Pail Joe and I are just like regular folks who shop at Balmart …

ME: You mean Walmart.

JILL: Yeah, Galmart. We are like average working Americans except most of our friends are in China, Iran, and Ukraine.

ME: Some Americans believe the Biden family partners with the Communist Chinese.

JILL: 绝不 (Never)

ME: Some Americans believe the Biden administration is too cozy with the Islamic terrorist regime in Iran.

JILL: هرگز (Never)

ME: Certainly, there’s reason for suspicion about President Biden being involved with Hunter in Ukraine.

JILL: немає (No)

ME: Joe Biden has been in public office most of his adult life. Some people say he doesn’t understand what it’s like to work in the private sector and live paycheck to paycheck.

JILL: Joe knows what hard work is since he once drove an 18-wheeler.

ME: Besides patriotic Americans, what else does Joe hate?

JILL: Well, he hated that Special Counsel Robert Hur asked him when his son Beau died.

ME: Excuse me, Mrs. ….

JILL: That’s DOCTOR Biden!!! Not, “Mrs.” I spent several hours writing that dissertation paper with all the spelling mistakes and typos so people would have to call me DOCTOR Jill Biden!!!!

ME: My apologies, DOCTOR Biden. But the official transcript shows that Special Counsel Hur never asked President Biden when his son Beau died. It was your husband who brought it up.

JILL: That might be true. However, most of the media is on our side and they will say Hur brought it up. You need to watch The View.

ME: Speaking of the The View, what programs do you and President Biden watch together?

JILL: Our television viewing is limited to when Joe isn’t conducting presidential duties. Joe conducts presidential business between 10 AM and noon with one hour for lunch.

ME: After the horrific Hamas attack on Israel last October 7, it seems to many people that your husband supports the Hamas terrorists.

JILL: Is this interview going to be published in Michigan and Minnesota?

ME: Yes, American Thinker is a leading national conservative website with millions of readers across the United States.

JILL: Well, as Joe said, there are good people on both sides. You have innocent Israelis who were mutilated, tortured, raped, kidnapped or killed, and you have innocent Hamas folks who did all the mutilating, torturing, raping, kidnapping and killing.

ME: Are you and President Biden upset about all the antisemitic protests taking place on college campuses?

JILL: Joe and I think it’s great when college students enjoy the outdoors.

ME: They say surprises are important for a long, loving marriage. Can you share with us a recent surprise gift that Joe gave you?

JILL: Yes, Joe bought me the most beautiful keffiyeh to wear when we visit Michigan and Minnesota.

ME: Special Counsel Hur wrote in his report and repeated before Congress that Joe Biden is an “elderly man with a poor memory.” This is very sensitive, DOCTOR Biden, but there are some people who think President Biden has dementia and—

JILL: Ridiculous! That makes as much sense as saying he wears wide soles to maintain his balance. Or uses the shorter rear stairs on Air Force One to keep from falling. Or hides his slow and shuffling gait, by having others walk with him to and from helicopter Marine One. Or shakes his hand with the air after giving speeches. Or wanders on stage because he doesn’t know to go left or right. Or walks off the stage in the middle of a speech to sniff a child’s hair. Or turns his back on the audience while giving a speech where I need to turn him around.

ME: What was the most frightening moment in all your years together?

JILL: The horrific kitchen fire that lasted 20 minutes and almost resulted in Joe losing his beloved Corvette. You know the Corvette in the garage that protected all the classified documents that Joe took home when he was senator and vice president. Joe said that our small kitchen fire reminded him of the devastating Maui wildfires that killed more than 100 people, destroyed more than 2,200 structures and caused about $5.5 billion in damages. And let’s mention Beau, too.

ME: Besides you, who has most influenced President Biden?

JILL: Corn Pop and Nelson Mandela. Joe was arrested trying to see Mandela in prison.

ME: Even the liberal media says that’s not true.

JILL: But the intelligent gals on the critically acclaimed The View say it’s true.

ME: Does the president have any hobbies?

JILL: Sniffing children’s hair. Would you like to see some photos?

ME: No, thank you. I can find them on the internet.

ME: DOCTOR Biden, some people say you are the driving force behind the President running for re-election.

JILL: Malarkey! That makes as much sense as Joe saying, “pause” when reading the teleprompter.

ME: After 48+ years of marriage, what do you treasure most about Joe Biden?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: What do you love most about being Joe’s wife?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: What are you most thankful for?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: What gives you the most satisfaction in life?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: How do you want to be remembered?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: Does it bother you that some people accuse you of elder abuse since it’s obvious President Biden suffers from dementia or some mental acuity issue and yet you still want him to run for re-election?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: Any final thoughts?

JILL: Being First Lady.

Robin M. Itzler is a regular contributor to American Thinker. She can be reached at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com.

Image: YouTube screen grab (edited).

Travelin’ with Secretary Pete (A Satire)

By Robin M. Itzler

With summer approaching, one of the busiest travel seasons of the year, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg took time from...well, we still don’t know what he does...to answer your travel questions.

Dear Mr. Secretary,

My wife and I are planning a car trip to show the kids some of our nation’s great history. Any suggestions?

History Buff

Dear Buff,

Consider the “George Floyd ‘Mostly Peaceful’ Riots” tour. You stop in all the cities that were burned, looted, and ransacked during the peaceful 2020 riots. The tour includes excursions into burnt-out mom-and-pop stores that the peaceful rioters destroyed. You can meet small business owners who lost everything they worked decades for, even as they have yet to be fully compensated by the same local governments that are giving freebies to illegal aliens.

Dear Sir/Him/You/Um/He/Him/Hey,

My husband and I are planning a cross-country trip but wonder if we should wait until after the summer when there are fewer crowds.

USA Traveler

Dear Traveler:

Take your trip in early November. Then, you both can vote in every city and state you drive through. Remember the Democrat party slogan:

Re-elect the old goat

Frequently cast your vote!

Dear Mr. Secretary,

I have never been to Washington, DC. What are “must-see” stops?

DC Fan

Dear Fan:

There is so much to see in DC! You’ll want to tour the Internal Revenue Service building, where nearly 90,000 new agents (some armed) are being hired to threaten...er, make certain that every U.S. taxpayer pays every penny of tax owed to Uncle Sam. From there, you’ll want to head over to the Immigration and Naturalization Service to learn how your tax dollars are used to give illegal alien invaders free housing, free medical, free education, free transportation, free clothes, free food, free iPhones, and so much more!

Please note that if you are a Republican and tour the U.S. Congress, you are likely to be arrested in the future.

Dear Sir/Him/Hmx,

I am planning a road trip this summer. Should I drive my electric vehicle?

Roadie

Dear Roadie,

To help the environment, you should definitely take your trip in your EV! Some helpful suggestions to make your trip more fun:

• Allocate several hours each day to charge your car.
• Hire someone along your route to reserve a charging station for you.
• Avoid routes that have heavy traffic, as that could dramatically alter your car’s charging allowance.
• Don’t get caught in any rainstorm, as water could severely damage your electric vehicle.
• Stay at hotels with charging stations.
• Know where there are other charging stations in case your hotel’s charging stations are occupied.
• Have a large credit card limit in case your EV’s battery dies and needs to be replaced.

Have a fun trip!

Dear Mr. Secretary,

Since you are a parent of twins, do you suggest taking children on vacation? My son recently turned 37. However, since he can’t find a job with his master’s degree in “Psychedelic Poetry During the Roman Empire,” he still lives at home.

Mommy

Dear Mommy,

Take your son! I am not sure why he is having difficulty finding work. Certainly, with that degree, he should be able to find a high-paying government job.

Dear Sir,

My husband and I are planning an international trip this summer and need to get passports for our three kids. But...Frank is androgynous, so he sometimes thinks he’s a girl. Rita/Ralph is bi-gender and changes sex daily, usually after watching The View. Mary is genderfluid but could go back to being Mark. Will this be a problem in our travels?

Happy Mom

Dear Happy Mom,

You have a delightful family! If there are any problems in your travels, visit the U.S. embassy, which has a full staff that understands the challenges that come with 132 different genders. One suggestion, though: If you are traveling to any Muslim country, avoid roofs.

Dear Secretary Pete,

Where do you suggest for international travel to meet other Americans?

Passport ready

Dear Passport,

Visit Afghanistan as Joe Biden left behind about 200 Americans following his hasty exit in August 2021. The Biden administration still has no idea how many are being held by the Taliban, but we assume they’re having a wonderful time learning the Koran.

Another stop that has Americans would be Gaza. Following Hamas’ October 7 attack on Israel, where about 1,400 innocent Israelis were killed, injured, or kidnapped, the Biden administration thinks there are about five Americans still being held captive. We assume they are having a grand time learning to speak Arabic.

If you prefer going to Africa, there are more than 1,000 U.S. troops in Niger who are in a hostage-like situation. The military junta-controlled government has told the troops to get out. However, the Biden administration isn’t keen on letting them go home. We’re sure these American soldiers would love to chat with you.

Dear Mr. Secretary,

Is it safe to travel on a Boeing Max plane?

Frequent Flyer

Dear Flyer,

Of course, the Boeing Max is safe! Let’s put it in perspective: When a door falls off a Boeing Max jet in midair, that’s just one piece of the huge plane. The remaining 98% of the plane has not fallen off. Americans should have full confidence flying Boeing Max planes!

Dear Sir Buttigieg:

Do you travel on Boeing Max planes?

Flyin’ Man

Dear Flyin’ Man:

No.

Thank you to Secretary Buttigieg for sharing his transportation insight with us. In our next issue, we will hear from Senator Bernie Sanders, who will share his favorite gulags in communist countries. 

Robin publishes a weekly newsletter Patriot Neighbors. E-mail her at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com to get on her list, it's free.  RK