Dear Komplaining Karen

By Robin M. Itzler

Editor's Note:  For those who don't always pickup on satire ...this is satire.  My friend Robin is very conservative and is active in California Republican Politics, publishing a weekly newsletter, which she allows me to publish, and is read all over the nation, Patriot Neighbors.  Subscribe for free by emailing her at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com, cartoon added by me! RK

Ever since Barack Obama's 2008 election, the United States has become two distinct nations trying to survive under one flag. But is it even the same flag? One says don't tread on me and the other says welcome illegal invaders. We also now have two national anthems.

With such division the time seems ripe for an advice column just for liberals who need safe spaces to deal with life's overwhelming challenges, such as a fast-food restaurant running out of ketchup. So, I started an advice column called:

-- Komplaining Karen --

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Dear Komplaining Karen:

My fiance and I have been dating for two years and plan to marry in June with a large outdoor vegan wedding. The only major issue between us is that I want to wait until our wedding night, and he doesn't agree. He says we shouldn't wait, but I don't want him to see my face without a mask until we have exchanged our wedding vows. He insists we should see each other's face before the wedding.

Masks Forever

Dear Masks Forever,

Your fiance must understand that removing a mask that has been continuously worn for more than four years is very difficult. I would suggest on your wedding night turning the lights down while listening to Taylor Swift and then slowly removing each other's masks.

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Dear Komplaining Karen,

I met the woman of my dreams on the "I Hate Trump" dating website. The problem is her parents are MAGAs. They even pray! I am worried that if we have children, they will be exposed to ideology that goes against my beliefs. Should I break it off with my dream girl? Please do not use my real name in case the INS reads your column.

Jose Smith

Dear Jose,

I feel your pain! Set parameters so that you are only visiting your in-laws on certain dates such as April 20 (Adolph Hitler's birthday), June 14 (Che Guevara's birthday), August 13 (Fidel Castro's birthday), November 20 (Joe Biden's birthday), December 18 (Joseph Stalin's birthday), etc.

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Dear Komplaining Karen,

My wife and I recently left Texas because we couldn't take the right-wing politics. Our new 800 square feet home in California cost triple what our 5,000 square foot house in Texas sold for, but it was worth it to live in a state with the outstanding Gov. Gavin Newsom. The problem is that we assumed all the conservatives had left California. Now on each side of our house are homeowners who proudly fly the American flag. Should we keep quiet, or nicely ask them to take down the flag?

Neighbor with a drawl

Dear Neighbor,

Fly the Pride flag from your house. Let your new neighbors know that you support little children mutilating their bodies.

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Dear Komplaining Karen,

I have worked for my company more than 20 years, with several promotions. However, the business was sold, and the new owner said he is canceling the Juneteenth paid holiday and instead will give us July 5th so we can stay up late the night before celebrating America's birthday. Should I look for another job?

Maybe Jobless in Seattle

Dear Maybe Jobless:

It is very discouraging working for someone who doesn't celebrate the George Floyd "Mostly Peaceful" riots in 2020. Unless you can easily find another job where you know for certain the business owner has a George Soros mindset, stay where you are. 

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Dear Komplaining Karen,

My husband and I have been married 34 years. Life has been good for us financially and health wise. However, a few months ago, our unmarried son "Jim" was outed at a family event. It was totally unexpected and extremely upsetting, especially for my elderly mother-in-law. I like to think that my progressive husband and I can accept everyone but learning that our son is a Republican might be too much to ask. 

Blue Mom with Red Son

Dear Blue Mom,

Goodness, this is serious! You need to take your son to a Joe Biden rally so he can be reminded of all the great things Biden has done for America:

- Rampant crime in major cities

- Growing inflation

- Open southern border that allows millions of invaders to enter our country illegally

- Multiple military hostilities throughout the world

- Going after political foes (just as they do in communist countries)

- Arresting average citizens who peacefully protest at abortion clinics

Maybe this will help your son switch back to Democrat.

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Dear Komplaining Karen:

To celebrate our first wedding anniversary, "Irma" and I went to the animal shelter and adopted a mixed breed dog. Since we think Joe Biden is the best president ever (and it's not because we have government jobs and our student loans were canceled), would it be appropriate to name our dog after the president?

Pooch Dad

Dear Pooch Dad:

If you want your dog to have a name that reminds you of Joe Biden, call him "Adderall." Rumors abound that Adderall was one of the drugs given to Biden before his state of the union screamfest that enabled him to yell like a maniac for an hour while reading the teleprompter.

Until next week, this is Komplaining Karen reminding you that no matter what your problem, it can be resolved by getting a booster shot and driving an electric car.