The Evolution of Conservatives and Liberals

Author Unknown (with some adaptations from me)

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.   The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain.

 

That was the beginning of agriculture and capitalism. 

 

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

 

That's how villages were formed and the beginning of civilization.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals in order to B-B-Q them at night while they were drinking beer.

 

This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.

 

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberals were women, but they were helped with the sewing, fetching and hair dressing by other liberals, which became known as girliemen.  Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.  At first none of these ideas mattered, but eventually they outnumbered the conservatives because they didn't risk their lives for the good of the village.

 

That was the beginning of socialism.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

That was the beginning feminism.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and provide for their women. Conservatives were big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

That was the epitome of capitalism and the fulfillment of civilization.

Liberals produce intellectuals, who in turn produce little or nothing except more intellectuals, who continue to produce little or nothing while demanding an equal share or more of what conservatives work to produce.   They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. 

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of interior decorating and trying to get more for nothing.

That is the beginning of the end.